I have so many things I want to do with my life that sometimes I overwhelm myself before I’ve done anything at all.
I want to write and build this blog. I want to make our home beautiful and have people over more often. I want to get dressed in outfits I love, learn new things, and actually follow through on the ideas I’m always talking about.
And then there are the bigger dreams. The other day, I was in the bathtub thinking about having my own line of home decor. Holiday plates, taper candles, all the things I would be so excited to bring into my own home. I have absolutely no idea what goes into making a plate, let alone selling one, but I was very happy imagining it.
I love that part of myself. I love that I get excited about things and can imagine so many possibilities for my life.
But it’s hard to explain how you can want so much and still struggle to do anything about it.
Sometimes I look at how much time I’ve spent thinking about this blog, and I feel embarrassed. I care about it so much. I have so many ideas for it. And yet there have been plenty of days when I’ve closed my laptop without finishing the one thing I opened it to do.
After a while, you start wondering why there’s such a distance between the person you feel like inside and what you’re actually doing with your days.
I don’t have all of this figured out. But I want to talk about it while I’m here, because I have a feeling I’m not the only girl who has a whole life in her head and doesn’t quite know how to begin living it.
I keep trying to figure out the whole thing
One of the hardest parts of building Her Sunday Best has been deciding what I want it to be.
I love writing about Jesus and the things on my heart. I also love clothes, decorating, cooking, and thinking about what would make this a place you’d want to come back to.
Then I start wondering how all of that fits together. Should I share more of my life? Does the homepage feel like me? What should I post on Instagram?
Before I know it, I’m reconsidering the entire website instead of finishing a paragraph.
I think some of that comes from caring. I want to make something beautiful and meaningful, and I want it to feel like what I’ve imagined.
But some of it comes from being afraid.
If I keep working on what it’s going to be, I can put off letting anyone see what it is right now. I can stay in that lovely, private part where everything is still possible and nothing has had the chance to disappoint me.
Actually sharing it asks something different of me. I have to let people see what I can make with the ability, time, and confidence I have today.
That feels much more vulnerable than picking a font.
There are things I’m tired of waiting to feel
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking that once I feel more confident, I’ll be more consistent.
Once I know exactly what I want to say, I’ll write more. Once everything looks the way I want it to, I’ll share it. Once I feel a little more comfortable being seen, putting myself out there will be easier.
I understand why I want those things. Of course I want to feel good about something that matters to me.
But I’m beginning to wonder how much longer I want to wait for them.
I don’t want to keep having the same conversation with myself about what I hope to do. I want to have something to tell you about what I’m learning from actually doing it.
And I don’t think that means I need to become a completely different person first. I think it means I need to finish a post while I still have doubts about it, share a picture without examining it forever, and let some things be a little less controlled than I’d prefer.
Even writing that makes me slightly uncomfortable, which probably tells you something.
For now, I want to write
There are so many things I still want to do with HSB. I want to share outfits and style tables and make things that leave you feeling excited about your own life.
But lately, writing is what I keep coming back to.
There are things on my heart that I want to put into words. And I want you to get to know the person behind all of this, even while I’m still figuring out how to share her.
So I’m trying to let writing be enough to work on right now.
That sounds simple, but choosing one thing can feel strangely difficult when you care about several. I can start worrying that giving one idea my attention means the others will never happen.
The home decor line can stay on my list. I can still get excited about holiday plates. I just don’t need to figure out how to manufacture them this afternoon.
I have an article open in front of me. I’d really like to finish it.
Maybe you have your own version of that. Something you could work on now, if you could give yourself a little room to stop figuring out everything else.
I’m trying to make my days easier to begin
“Build Her Sunday Best” is a very exciting dream and a very confusing thing to put on a Tuesday to-do list.
I open my laptop and immediately have twelve possible jobs.
So I’m trying to get more specific with myself. Finish this section. Choose the photos. Read through the draft once more and publish it.
I also need to give those things an actual place in my week. I know myself well enough to know that “I’ll do it sometime” leaves a lot of room for another day to pass.
There’s something comforting about knowing what I’m sitting down to do. I don’t need to answer “What am I doing with my life?” every morning before breakfast. I would really appreciate being able to open a draft and begin.
I’m also trying to let a finished piece of work be a finished piece of work, without asking it to prove everything about me.
One article cannot tell me whether this blog will become everything I hope it will. It can help me become a better writer. It can give someone something to think about. It can teach me what I want to write next.
I want to give myself the chance to find those things out.
I want God in this part of my life, too
I talk to God about my dreams, but I want to be more honest with Him about what happens around them.
The comparison. The desire for approval. How much I care about looking like I know what I’m doing. The fear that I’ll give something my best effort and it still won’t become what I hoped.
Those things can be uncomfortable to admit, especially when I also sincerely want to make something good and help people.
But He already knows my heart. I can bring all of it to Him.
I want to ask for wisdom and be willing to listen. I want to spend time in His Word and let Him change my plans when they need changing. I want to be open to the possibility that some ideas will stay ideas, and that something I haven’t even thought of might become a part of my life I love.
And while I’m dreaming about what’s ahead, I want to take care of the life He’s already given me.
There are people to love, responsibilities to tend to, and things I can do with what I have today. I don’t want to be so distracted by the future that I keep overlooking them.
Maybe you can start where you are
If you’re reading this with a long list of things you want to do, I’d love for you to choose one you keep coming back to.
Give yourself a little time to think about what it would actually involve. Is there something you need to learn? Do you need help or resources? Is there a small part you could begin this week?
And if you already know what you could do, but you’re scared, I understand.
I wish I could tell you I’d worked through that part and had something especially reassuring to say. I’m still learning how to let people see me try.
But I’m realizing how much I want the experience of doing the things I care about. I want to know what it feels like to give this blog my attention and see what grows from it. I want to get better at writing because I’ve written, and feel more comfortable sharing because I’ve given myself practice.
For me, that begins with finishing this article and letting you read it.
Then I want to come back and write another one, without deciding I need to rethink my entire life in between.
I’m still full of ideas. I still hope some of those very big dreams happen someday. But I’d like to give myself something real to build on, and I think this is a place I can start.
If you’re figuring out your beginning, too, I’d love to hear about it.
What’s something you keep coming back to?
